How Darwin Can Save Your Marriage
We are designed by evolution to be titillated by erotic novelty, males and females. Given that evolutionary design, it's completely predictable that 10 years of the same thing, whether it's the same music or the same food or the same sex partner, is going to lead to resentment, discomfort, whatever. It'92s going to lead to a diminishment of passion, certainly. So we start with that and then we add to that the notion that we're taught that that shouldn't happen, that if it does happen there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your relationship.'a0.
And so people aren't expecting that to happen, and so they interpret that diminishment of passion as a failure. The point that we're trying to get across in the book is that it's not your fault. It's not your partner's fault. It's the fault of the clash between the sort of animal we are and the sort of society we've designed. And as long as there's that conflict between our biology and our societies, there are going to be these problems. So a harm reduction approach might make a lot more sense than this sort of absolutist approach that a lot of people take where any.
Infidelity, any, you know, my husband looks at porn, that means he doesn't love me anymore. I mean, these sorts of responses to very natural behaviors cause a lot more problems than they solve, I think. I think if marriage is going to survive as an institution, it's going to certainly have to continue adapting to the realities of human nature as opposed to trying to shoehorn human nature into some predetermined shape. The point of marriage is that you want to get old with someone. You want to share your life with someone. Maybe you want to raise children with someone. You want.
To have a certain stability and trust that you couldn't possibly get with shortterm relationships. That's the point of marriage. And by imposing this expectation of sexual exclusivity for 40, 50, 60 years, we're cutting ourselves off from those really important things for something that's essentially trivial. Sex really isn't really that important. It's not that big a deal. And by making it such a big deal, we sabotage things that really are important, these primary relationships.'a0 We have children going through divorces, victimized by the psychological trauma of divorce, over what.
Over what That mommy or daddy had sex with someone else Who cares The problem is, much like the war on drugs, the problem is that we take this absolutist approach to something that people are always going to do. People are always going to smoke marijuana. People are always going to drink alcohol and coffee and whatever. But we make these arbitrary judgments on what's acceptable and what isn'92t, that have nothing to do with the actual harm that anything of these things could cause to people. So we throw people in prison for, you know, growing a marijuana plant on their windowsill.
It makes no sense it causes much more harm than just letting people do what they want to do. And really, whose business is it if a couple decides that they're going to, you know, allow a little casual sexual behavior on the side, especially if, as Dan Savage argues, and I agree, it takes the pressure off the relationship. If the door's open a little bit, you don't feel trapped. It doesn't mean the door has to be swung wide open, but, you know, the fact that it's open a little bit doesn't mean that the.
Marriage Counseling How to Recognize Signs of an Extramarital Affair
Hi, I'm Joe Cuenco with Family Resources and today we are going to be talking about how to deal with relationship issues, specifically how to recognize signs of an extramarital affair, and hopefully this is something that you will never have to deal with. Just how do you pick up on signs of an extramarital affair Well, unfortunately are intuition is right nine times out of ten, and if you're sensing that something is going wrong or eschew, chances are you are probably right. There are probably subtle signals that you're picking.
Up on, or there could be major things taking place as well. For example, is your partner or your spouse buying you an excessive amount of flowers Or, is this person saying I love you so much more It's like having a finely tuned automobile and once you're used to the sounds and the way the vibrations are something starts happening, starts missing, misfiring, you know that something is wrong. It's a subtle way to pick up on hints. Be careful of the deflection techniques. It could be, the person could be saying, accusing you of having an.
Affair, or using these things such as buying flowers to deflect attention to the fact that there's some bad behavior going on. So, you could go to extremes of monitoring the emails, the texts, the phone messages, and monitoring where they go. There's all types of electronic surveillance devices. But, do you really want to go to those extremes to find out if that type of behavior is going on This isn't really a slippery slope. Secondly, if that breach of trust has been broken, trust is the number on fundamental that successful couples have.
Said is paramount of importance, and friendship and all the other things really are subsequent, secondary to having that fundamental love. So, you also need to recognize, if something like this is happening, there's you need to be in a position to accept some responsibility, not blame, but accept responsibility. Have you ultimately asked your partner if something is going on and watch for a physical reaction because they may tell you the truth, or they may try to cover it up. So, lastly if you're not getting an answer, talk to their friends.
Marriage Divorce Should Infidelity Lead to Divorce
I'm Joe Cuenco with family resources, today we are going to be talking about relationship paths and the choices we make in our life. Particularly should infidelity lead to divorce. For many individuals infidelity is a deal breaker. Once that bond of trust has been broken, it's really gone. And there's nothing that can repair this. Even when there's children or perhaps a very significant situation to deal with. And so when you have a deal breaker like that, it's best to just go ahead and move on put as much closure as you can to.
The situation and begin to rebuild a life somewhere else. For others infidelity maybe an issue where it maybe a one time thing and it's really not in the character of the individual, they basically perhaps made a mistake or got involved in a situation where they let go. And weren't as careful as they should have been. So in a situation like that it may be possible, many couples do recover in this type of relationship and go ahead and work through this and sometimes it even makes them stronger. But if you have an individual who.
Is selfish, self centered, maybe looking at things like whats in it for me. Who is cold, calculating and actually plans something like this, then you may want to consider really give it some way to think about is this individual worth while to be with in a long term. This type will generally be prone to these bad behaviors and that's something that you want to consider. And actually basically do you want to live your life looking in the rear view mirror all the time. For those who want to work together, build some trust, then that's.
A very positive thing but it has to be two people who are willing to undergo this. Counseling may help, workshops may help but the net is trust is equivalent to love in importance for happily married couples and those in long term successful relationships. So go with your heart, remember you don't want to be the victim here, you want to be a person who works to build a happy relationship. And counseling can help you work through this if there is a separation or divorce involved. If there is love, true love,it will survive and if.
Marriage Counseling How to Tell Your Wife Youve Had an Affair
Hi, I'm Joe Cuenco with Family Resources. Today we're going to be talking about marriage relationship issues, in particular, how do you tell your wife that you had an affair Well, hopefully this is something that you won't ever have to do but just what's the best way to communicate to your wife that you've had an affair Well first of all this is not good news but you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences. You also need to have thought through what is it that you want long term Do you want to stay together.
Or is divorce, perhaps, in the view So, be prepared for the consequences and the impact is going to vary, whether or not it's been a one time thing or whether it's been an ongoing affair or perhaps who it was with because, perhaps, if you've had an affair with her girlfriend, this can really create more issues on top of the bad news, in general. So, be respectful, be empathetic and understand that this is a very difficult time for her and the very difficult news, catastrophic news. Try and present the message in the way that.
You'd like to be treated, you have to be respectful but also, try and minimize the impact to her. You have to say that you're sorry and that the behaviors that you've engaged in, will not be undertaken again. Also, be prepared that you're going to have a long road of healing that you'll undergo, to bring the relationship together, hopefully you can bring the relationship back on track. If you go to counseling, to workshops, perhaps, you can regain your wifes trust at some point in time. It's going to be an effort to rebuild the relationship but.
Marriage Counseling How to Tell Your Husband Youve Had an Affair
Hi, I'm Joe Cuenco with Family Resources and today we're going to be talking about relationship and marital issues, specifically how to tell your husband that you've had an affair. What is the best way to tell your husband that you've had an affair Well the first thing that you need to determine is what do you want to do long term Do you want to stay married to this individual or is divorce the option that you're thinking about You need to be prepared for the consequences and also think through what are the longer term implications.
The impact is going to vary because if it was one time, it will have less of an impact, or, if it was an on going affair obviously this is going to be much more hurtful, and also who the affair was with could be a significant issue. But, the most respectful way is to deal with this type of news is to be really direct, and have a conversation face to face with your husband and say, I'm sorry, I did this, this is what happened. The worst way to do this is by phone or some other impersonal communication. It really depends what you.
Want. If you're going to try and be with your husband again and try and work through this, then you're going to need be as considerate and as respectful as possible. Treat your husband with the ultimate amount of respect, be empathetic the way you like to be treated with dignity. Don't diminish your husband, make him understand that it was your fault, it was your bad behavior. He will understand, or should understand, that when you have relationship breakdowns that it's a two way street, and that everybody has culpability and some level.
Of accountability for relationship breakdown. So, try and be rational as you explain the situation and try and be positive with the outcome, that you want to build, you want to heal, and you want to regain that trust and love. You never know what happens. Many couple have worked through this successfully, and couples have decided that this is something that they couldn't forgive and go through, so, counseling is available, marriage education workshop, Family Resource puts on workshops as well so there are a lot of options available to you. But, hopefully these tips have helped you understand how to tell your husband you've.
Marriage Divorce Infidelity Warning Signs
I'm Joe Cuenco, with family resources. Today we're going to be talking about signals of the kind, you don't want to get. Specifically, what are infidelity warning signs. When it comes to recognizing infidelity warning signs, chances are, if you have this intuition, your intuition sadly, probably is right. Now there are several changes in behavior, and there are some pretty overt changes in behavior that you need to be aware of. Perhaps your partner is not looking you in the eye, when they're talking to you. Perhaps their depends or behavior have changed. It may be a question of, someone is telling you I love you a lot.
More often, buying you flowers, or even a more direct thing, you may be noticing that they have bought some, purchased some new underwear. They may be engaging in some behaviors to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex. They may be going to the gym a lot more frequently, they may be giving, beginning a diet regimen, or they may be wearing their hair differently. So these are kind of the, overt, things that are happening. There also may be some very subtle things that are taking place. They may be actually,.
Challenging you, on a question of whether you have been faithful. Or they may be doing some things, such as, creating some strife, or disharmony in the household. More, deflection tactics, so that they feel, they don't feel as guilty about it, when they're cheating. Now, what can you do Well, you can go to the extremes of, monitoring their emails, their phone conversations, taking a look at where they are at work, when they go out. These are more extreme things, and there's also, electronic surveillance available. There is even a television program, Cheaters, but you have to be a qualified applicant before.
They will go ahead and put you on. But one of the things that you have to recognize is that many times, this is a two way street. There is some, culpability, or some responsibility, generally when a relationship goes through that type of thing. So, you need to be able to talk to yourself honestly, and evaluate whether that's something that's been taking place. If you are curious, and you really want to know directly, have you asked your partner directly, are you cheating on me And often times, sometimes, they'll be very.
Surviving an affair and moving on after relationship advice and support
I think one of the most difficult things about Mark's affair was admitting that my behaviour might have caused it. That really helped me because knowing or believing that this whole situation wasn't, wasn't just about me being a horrible person, that it was a symptom of a bigger problems. It made me feel like we could fix it. It certainly didn't make me feel like that at first. Oh God, I felt so angry and so betrayed, and even when I was blaming myself or blaming Jamie, it was always you I was most angry with. It was you I just couldn't trust. I.
Can't even find the words to describe how difficult that fight was. Even now I struggle when the memories come back to me I have to call him all the time to see if he is where he says he is going to be. I check his internet history, I log onto his emails to see who he has been in touch with. That was probably the hardest part for me, winning back trust. That's not just because it's a hard thing for anyone to do, but because Jenny's paranoia was so suffocating It's true. There was a period where I was.
Almost obsessively checking his emails, his text messages, his phone calls, everything. In the end we just hung in there. I battled my feelings of guilt, and I battled with my trust issues, worked on letting him in again. And I think once we got past that really horrible phase, then things did seem to get better. Yep. Yes and having baby Jamie at the centre of things, made us want to work things out. I think in some ways it forced us to become a family and adapt to this new phase of our life.
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