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Stay in or Leave a Relationship
The decision whether one should stay or leave is one of the most consequentialand painful any of us ever has to make. On any given day, many millions of people worldwide will be secretly turning the issue over in their mindsas they go about their daily lives. Their partners beside them, possibly having little clue as to the momentous decision weighing upon them. The choice is perhaps more common now than it ever was We expect to be deeply happy in love, and, therefore, spend a good deal of time wondering whether our relationships are essentially normal in their sexual and psychological frustrations
or are beset by unusually pathological patterns which will impel us to get out as soon as we can. What films or novels we’ve been exposed to, the state of our friends’ relationships, the degree of noise surrounding new sexually driven dating apps, not to mention how much sleep we’ve had can all play humblingly large roles in influencing us one way or another. Awkwardly, it seems that no one else actually really minds what we end up doing which gives the decision a degree of existential loneliness it might not always have possessed Historically, the choice was, in a sense, a good deal easier because there were simply so many stern external sanctions around not leaving:
religions would insist that god blessed unions and would be furious that they’re being torn asunder, society strongly disapproved of breakups and cast separating parties into decades of ignominy and shame, and psychologists would explain that children would be deeply and permanently scarred by any termination in their parents’ relationship But, one by one, these objections to quitting have fallen away; religions no longer terrify us into staying
society doesn’t care, and psychologists now routinely tell us that children would prefer a broken family to an unhappy one The burden of choice therefore falls squarely on us. The only thing determining whether to stay or leave is how we feel which can be pretty hard matter indeed to work out for ourselves, our feelings having a dispirited habit of shifting and evading any efforts of rational qualification. In the circumstances, it might help to have a set of questions, devil’s advocate in nature, to fall back upon
a kind of checklist to dialogue within one’s mind in the silent hours of the morning, from the chill vantage point of the spare room couch. How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner, and how much might it, as we would risk discovering five years and multiple upheavals later, turn out to be simply and inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human? Though it is, of course, always essentially their fault, what tiny proportion of the difficulties might we, nevertheless, be contributing to the discord? In what modest way might we be a little hard to be around?
Consider the annoying traits in all previous partners we’ve had and people we’ve known that our current partners happen not to have what do we manage not to fight about? Start to probe at any new infatuations or crushes, largely by getting to know them better Observe closely how many sexually available and intelligent people the single types around us, especially those hooked up to those new dating apps actually manage to encounter daytoday. Try to have another converstaion with your partner in which you don’t accuse them of mendacity, and instead simply explain, quite calmly, how you actually feel and how sad you are at quite a few things.