Ask A Polyamorous Person
So, is every sexual experience an orgy laughing Yes, I'm so exhausted. No, do you know how hard it is to plan an orgy And orgies are not that common. I've been to one, and most of the time I spent there was in the corner eating Oreos. Why isn't one person enough By that logic, you should only have to have one friend. I have friends who I'm just Facebook friends with, and friends who I would pick up from jail. It's not that one person isn't enough,.
It's that lots of people fascinate me. What's the difference between poly and cheating The difference between poly and cheating is that cheating is a violation of the relationship. Polyamory is all about consensual discussion, being on the same page. You make out with somebody else, that's part of the deal. It's not about betrayal. It couldn't be any different. Is it due to your religion You're thinking of polygamy. Does it bother you that some people don't know the difference between polyamory and polygamy.
Most definitely that bothers me. Polygamy for the most part, one, is more of a legal term, two, is more linked to religion. It's more about the man and some subservient women. Polyamory is egalitarian, everyone has a voice. What's the biggest tool to help polyamory work Communication. Being honest. You have to talk about what you think, how you feel. Love and compassion comes first. Is nonmonogamy normal I think maybe the question really is, is monogamy normal We can choose to be monogamous, just like we can choose to be vegetarian,.
But as Dr. Ryan says, that doesn't mean the bacon won't still smell good. It's okay to be nonmonogamous as you long as you do it in an ethical way that doesn't betray anyone. Oh, how do you deal with jealousy In seriousness, jealousy is something we all deal with. We're jealous of people in our industries, sometimes we're jealous of people in our family, but for some reason we consider sexual jealousy to be this insurmountable problem, and it's not. Another thing that can help with jealousy is.
Meeting any of your partner's potential partners. We blow up in our mind what they're like. We think that they're a supermodel, or they're somebody that's out to get us. I want great experiences for my partner, and if that includes a different lover, then I'm okay with that. Does it bother you that people just don't understand I am a bisexual, plussized, nightclub entertainer who grew up with two moms in Texas. I find it's best not to worry what other people think. Do you have any advice for young polyamorous people.
Porn Star Problems with James Deen
I'm sorry sir, if you just go on. Hi, I have a cash deposit. Is it a big deposit Um, I mean, by who's standards Oh! I'm so sorry, I just saw in our system that everything's down. So I'm gonna need you to deposit it in the back. Okay, I have rent to pay, can you please just get this in my account Sure. Could you maybe deposit it. manually That's not how banks work, okay Take my money. Fine, but I thought you'd be a lot more fun.
Woman Hello James. Hi, thanks for taking the time. You got it. So I was just looking over your brief and you want to start an LLC Yeah. Doing the website thing. I figured I should come talk to an attorney. So I've looked over all of your paperwork and it seems like you've got some very important documents missing. That could be a huge problem. Unreported income is a crime Mr. Deen. It's a crime that I have to report. But fortunately. there are ways that I can get around that.
I'm gonna go. Okay, so James, what brings you in today I have a growth on my back. I was just hoping you could take a quick look. Yeah, well I'm looking at your xrays and I'm a bit more concerned about the growth between your legs. So I'm gonna need you to strip naked and I'll do a full exam. Okay, this is just a mole and it's right there, and there's a halo around it, so I'm pretty concerned. If you want my help,.
Sexual Abuse, Consent, and Culture
Good Morning John. I want to start this off by saying that I am not a doctor, I'm not a counselor, I haven't experienced sexual abuse, I'm just a person with some thoughts that hopefully could be helpful. To someone. Sex is complicated, in like, every way imaginable. This is not aided by the fact that we have a general societal taboo against discussing it. So when we do talk about it, it's often shrouded in metaphors and innuendo and bombasticity. That means a lot of the sexual norms of our.
Culture are mysterious, and we don't actually talk about them we just sort of infer them. I think that's dumb. And that's part of why I helped Nick and Lindsey start sexplanations. I think that our culture has kind of a messed up relationship with sex. We somehow have made these relationships, uh, into, like, predatorprey relationships. Like, one person is the, you know, the cruise missile of desire, and the other one is the sweet, chaste little kitten. And the cruise missile has to get the kitten and the kitten runs away. I don't.
Know why it's a cruise missile and a kitten. I do know, though, that this is a dumb system. I think that a lot of the joy and wonder and excitement of a romantic relationship comes from those moments of excitedly discovering that both parties are into this. We're in we're both into this! That's a great feeling! The attack missilekitten relationship does not encourage that. I wanna be clear, I'm explaining culture but I'm not excusing the behavior. When we're set up to assume that the kitten is gonna run whether the kitten wants the cruise missile.
Or not, that enables abuse. In my opinion this is, I'm sure not all of the reason, but one of of the big reasons why sexual abuse is so common in our culture. Okay, I said sexual abuse, but what what is sexual abuse Legally, the definition has to be very specific, so that it can stand up in court. So it's different state to state, country to country. But for the purposes of having a general definition, let's just say that sexual abuse is when one party is being coerced into doing something sexual that they.
Do not want to do. That can be because the victim is incapacitated, or because the abuser is an authority figure, or because the victim is placed in a dangerous situation where they feel like they don't have the option of saying no or getting out of the situation. The gender of the parties is irrelevant, it can be sex, it can be kissing. If one person doesn't want to be doing what they are doing and they are being coerced or pressured into doing it, then that is abuse. And it is ubiquitous. And it needs to not.
Be, because it holds us back as a culture. We have to rid ourselves of that outdated and rotten conception that sexual relationships are like predatorprey things. Let's zoom in for this. Romantic relationships can be wonderful, but you have to have that magical thing, consent. And not saying no is not the same as saying yes. We need to communicate, we need to be sensitive, we need to talk about what we do and don't want to do, and we have to respect and NOT pressure people when they don't want to do something.
This tutorial is part of a long conversation that is going to continue to be had for a long time. But John and I have some ideas about how to keep it moving. First, we've already started working with a group of nerdfighters, including some survivors of sexual abuse, who will be working as a task force against abuse and assault. Second, we want to produce and fund a series of tutorials that discusses abuse and consent and sexual relationships, especially in light of the new digital world, like where does.
Skype fit into it all, right And third, we're looking to partner with some existing sexual assault organizations to bring their work and their resources into our community, and hopefully into other online communities as well. John, I know we're not gonna fix the whole world but I'm pleased to be in a position where we can at least start to help enable some positive change. I'll see you on Tuesday. If you're in an abusive relationship or you think you might be and you're just not sure, there are links in the description to help you figure out where you're at, and to people.
ADHD Problems with Sex and Relationships
GRANT CROWELL gtgt I think you're good about showing those particular problems for ADHD people. Well, what are they ARI TUCKMAN gtgtWell, I think that it's stuff that specific to sex, and there's stuff that's more general to relationships about sex. So for example, folks with ADHD tend to be night owls. They tend to get into bed later, often than their romantic partners. If you're not in bed at the same time, that's one less opportunity for something to turn sexual. Or, they don't manage their time well and, you know,.
You're scrambling at the end of the night to get things done and again, sex just sort of gets squeezed out. not with the intention, it just kind of happens. Or, potentially, if the nonADHD partner is feeling kind of burnt out, like they're working too hard, and they're feeling kind of resentful, they're not going to feel especially sexually generous or generous in other ways and the person with ADHD might also feel, if they know that their partner feels burnt out, they may feel also kind of like, uhhh, I can't really ask for this..
NO SEX! ASEXUALITY
Ohai! A few weeks ago, I posted a question on my Facebook asking y'all what you'd do if one of your friends sat you down and told you that they were asexual. Some of you said Huh Other asked questions I heard about this in biology. Isn't that where you have both a penis and a vagina so you can get yourself pregnant meaning you need some sort of super birth control every time you masturbate And others of you took to Google, like the trusty investigators you are, and found that Wait..
There are people that don't want sex No. way. All I gotta say is WAY! That was a weird voice. For those of us who like to f like rabbits, it can be hard to understand what asexuality is all about. To help us understand, I visited David Jay. Asexuality activist and founder of asexuality. Let's go ahead and start at the very beginning what is asexuality by definition So an asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction. I don't feel an intrinsic desire to make sex a part of my relations with other people.
It's different than celibacy. Celibacy is a choice, some people choose not to have sex, asexual people aren't intrinsically drawn towards sex, but may or may not choose to have it. And you said it's a sexual orientation, as opposed to a. romantic orientation. So, I, like many asexual people, I still have a romantic orientation. Asexuals we still wanna form romantic relationships with men, with women, with men and women, with the whole wide range of genders, so those are people asexual and gay, asexual and bi, asexual and straight.
Right, so being asexual doesn't mean that you're completely orientationless. Or relationshipless, for that matter. Exactly. It's talking about different ways to connect with people that goes outside of the scope of sex. When I was young, I used to be really intimidated by the fact that sex was everywhere. Cause it was like being in an alien world, like it's a language I don't speak, it's something I can't relate to. And, what I realized as I grew up and got more comfortable with my sexual identity, is that it's great if everyone talks about sex,.
It's an experience everyone's having, and we should be talking about it openly and honestly, and part of that means talking about the fact that it's not always fun. Not just for asexual people. He's a sexpositive asexual. Yeah, exactly. Part of what we've done in the asexual community is figure out how do, emotionally do everything that people do with sex without sex. It seems to me that, with this question of how to build relationships, David and the asexual community are hitting something that affects all human beings.
I hypothesize that the difference is for sexual people, we aren't required to confront that reality as headon as asexuals are. Possibly because we have all these sexual engagements, which are acting as both a buffer and a preoccupation from adressing that question. So, what is a greyA I've seen this term on asexuality and it's a little confusing. What does it mean So, like anything else with sexuality, asexuality is a spectrum. There are some people who are really really asexual, there are some people who, like me, are pretty much not sexual at all.
And there are people who are in the middle. GreyAs are people that experience some sexual attraction but it's low enough that they still identify with the asexual community. Now this spectrum that David's introduced will answer a lot of questions you might have about asexuality. For example, something that I'm asked a lot is do asexual masturbate Well, sure, some masturbate, but others don't. Some experience sexual arousal, some don't. And it comes in varying degrees. The difference is that that sexual arousal is not attached to the desire to have sex with someone.
Human Sexuality is Complicated.
Good morning, John. Today we plumb the depths of the marvelously complex human. But, first allow me to acknowledge that I am not a sociologist. I am also a straight, white man who doesn't have to worry about a lot of the hate that a lot of other people do have to worry about. But, my goal with this tutorial is I want people to understand, because I think understanding will lead to less hate. And also less selfhate. For a lot of people it is nice to imagine that humans are simple and that you can know.
A person's sex and then you will know all sorts of things about them deeply and clearly. And if you don't fit into this nice little box, people who do can get really confused and sometimes even angry. And if you yourself don't fit into one of these nice little boxes, and you think people should, then you end up hating yourself. And that's probably even worse. I think the best, and maybe only way to solve this problem is for people to understand that there are no nice shiny boxes.
Or if there are shiny boxes, there are an infinite number of them. Enough to put all of the people who currently exist, have ever existed, and will ever exist. So, together, let's understand. We're gonna start simple What's going on down here, in between the legs. That is your sex. Your biological sex. And it tends to be binary, though there are all sorts of conditions that result in intersex individuals. And as interesting and complicated as this is, the rest of it is much more complicated. So, I'm just gonna move on from here.
'Cause we all kinda get what sex is. Now we move on up to the top, to the brain, which is the thing that decides what gender you identify with Whether you feel like a man or a woman or neither or both. Because the fascinating thing is, as much as we try to label things, there is no way to label every point on an infinite continuum. And that's what we're dealing with here. So, to actually visualize how this works I've created a graph for you. On the Xaxis we have gender male to female.
And on the Yaxis we have the intensity of the identification with that gender. I would be about here because I identify as a man though I recognize that there are some womany parts of me. But, let's also put a hypothetical biological female on the graph that identifies very strongly as a man. Now that could be really uncomfortable, especially when there is a bunch of people in the world who insist on calling him a woman just because of the body that he happens to be very uncomfortable with.
Which is why sex does not determine the pronoun you should use. Gender does. Now, moving on to your heart your metaphorical heart, of course. This is who you are attracted to men, women, all genders. Again, it's a spectrum and that spectrum includes intensity because there are people who don't feel strong sexual attraction at all. That's why asexual is a sexual orientation. A newer idea that I was happy to be exposed to yesterday on Tumblr, is the idea of Romantic Orientation. These are the people you want to have strong,.
Intimate relationships with, but it sorta separates out the idea that sex has to be the goal or end point or like end all and be all of every intimate relationship. Now that we've dealt with how we feel, let's deal with what happens when other people actually get involved. That's sexual behavior which is actually very different from sexual orientation. And that might seem a little bit strange at first, but it's not. Consider for example, a heterosexual priest. That priest's orientation is heterosexual, but because of his religion, his behavior is celibate.
Here we're not talking about the preference, we're talking about the behavior. Now, built up of all of this are gender roles which are built by societies, not by individuals. The obvious ones are masculine gender roles and feminine gender roles. But as all dichotomies are false dichotomies, this one is a spectrum too. Now that we've sort of gone over all of this, it's important to note that every single one of these categories is independent from each other. So, a biological female could be a man who only has sex.
With woman despite the fact that he's attracted to both men and woman and kind of, you know, feels more comfortable in feminine gender roles. That may not be the most common combination of these factors, but it's certainly not weird. And another important point, many people move across these spectrums sometimes from year to year, sometimes hour to hour. But, what's really important is that we trust ourselves and we understand ourselves. And we love and respect ourselves and we grant that same understanding and respect to the people around us.
15 Poignant Asexual Confessions
Voiceover My best friend just came out as asexual and I don't know if I should tell her, I am too. gentle music Voiceover When I tell people I'm asexual they stare at me like I'm a fucking unicorn according to a lot of people, we don't exist. Voiceover I am openly asexual at school, but not at home I try to tell my parents, but they say it's a phase that I'll think differently when I'm older. Voiceover It makes me angry when people laugh because I'm 17 and I'm still a virgin.
They don't understand that I'm asexual. Voiceover I hate it when people say I can't know I'm asexual, because I never tried having sex. That's like saying you can't know you're straight without having been with someone of the same gender. Voiceover Today I told the girl who was crushing on me, that I'm asexual. She hates me now. Voiceover I'm scared people won't find me as pretty if they find out I'm asexual. Voiceover Just because I'm not sexually attracted to anyone and I don't want to have sex.
It doesn't mean I don't want a loving relationship. Voiceover I feel that being asexual reduces my chances of finding a relationship. Voiceover Asexuals get no love. These days it seems there's no love if there's no sex. Voiceover I am asexual. I am also a victim of sexual assault. Although people try to tell me they are, I can 100 say that those two facts are completely unrelated. Voiceover The one thing that scares me the most about the future is spending it alone, because I'm asexual.
Lesbians Answer Questions Youre Too Afraid To Ask
Sexy music moves into upbeat music That just depends on the woman that I'm with and the mood that we're in at the time. A fairly big part, sometimes. I wouldn't say that I need them to have a good time but they're fun. Yeah, I've done that a few times. I'm actually a gold star, when you've never been with the opposite sex. I did not really enjoy it at all, and then I slept with a woman, and I was like, oh! upbeat music.
I guess you kind of know where things are generally but also everyone is different. I didn't feel like I was better, or more knowledgable because I have similar parts to the woman I was sleeping with at the time. And also there are Trans women out there who might physically be different. I think there's always a little bit of fear just because you want to make sure she's being pleased. But they just do nothing for me, they're just sort of like looking at an elbow.
No. I feel like I know enough about penises. I'm happy with a detachable one. No, I don't think there is enough representation of queer women in the media, well, good representation. There's also not enough Asian women, Arab women, Aboriginal women. I feel like when there's a TV show or a movie and you see like, two girls who are dating, there's always a problem, like one of them hasn't come out to their family, or like, one of them is struggling with their identity.
Why can't we just have like, a happy, like two girls who are dating and everything is fine When you've got two girls that are kind of falling in love on screen you feel it as well, and you get really excited and get the butterflies. melancholic music I've been called all sorts of things. Well, I have been called a dyke before and that happened when I had short hair and I was on a train. Sir, you're in the wrong toilet. Probably the worst thing to ever happen.
Was when I was walking in the city once with my girlfriend and we got spat on by a man who said that he was gonna kill us and that we were gay. And he actually chased us down the street for quite a few blocks, so that was terrifying. I knew that I was gay, I knew that I was into women I think before I even knew anything else concrete about myself, before I even knew sort of that my eyes were blue or my hair was black.
And when you know, we'd be getting told fairy tales and the Prince and the Princess end up together I'd always be asking But where's my Princess Where's my Princess Being gay was always just a part of me. I had the biggest crush on my Preschool teacher. I used to like, calculate my gayness and I'd be like, Well maybe I'm you know, 40 gay and 60 straight and then, it eventually just kept climbing up like, Pretty sure I'm 75 gay now. I was gay in the womb, I was sewing.
A rainbow flag together in Mum's belly. uplifting music There are so many parts that I love. I mean, I love the whole thing but, I could literally write an essay about all the things I love about being gay. I honestly feel really lucky every day. I mean, there's so much but you know, we don't have much time do we I don't feel like I would be the person I am without having gone through all the hard yards of being both a woman and a gay woman.
How Darwin Can Save Your Marriage
We are designed by evolution to be titillated by erotic novelty, males and females. Given that evolutionary design, it's completely predictable that 10 years of the same thing, whether it's the same music or the same food or the same sex partner, is going to lead to resentment, discomfort, whatever. It'92s going to lead to a diminishment of passion, certainly. So we start with that and then we add to that the notion that we're taught that that shouldn't happen, that if it does happen there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your relationship.'a0.
And so people aren't expecting that to happen, and so they interpret that diminishment of passion as a failure. The point that we're trying to get across in the book is that it's not your fault. It's not your partner's fault. It's the fault of the clash between the sort of animal we are and the sort of society we've designed. And as long as there's that conflict between our biology and our societies, there are going to be these problems. So a harm reduction approach might make a lot more sense than this sort of absolutist approach that a lot of people take where any.
Infidelity, any, you know, my husband looks at porn, that means he doesn't love me anymore. I mean, these sorts of responses to very natural behaviors cause a lot more problems than they solve, I think. I think if marriage is going to survive as an institution, it's going to certainly have to continue adapting to the realities of human nature as opposed to trying to shoehorn human nature into some predetermined shape. The point of marriage is that you want to get old with someone. You want to share your life with someone. Maybe you want to raise children with someone. You want.
To have a certain stability and trust that you couldn't possibly get with shortterm relationships. That's the point of marriage. And by imposing this expectation of sexual exclusivity for 40, 50, 60 years, we're cutting ourselves off from those really important things for something that's essentially trivial. Sex really isn't really that important. It's not that big a deal. And by making it such a big deal, we sabotage things that really are important, these primary relationships.'a0 We have children going through divorces, victimized by the psychological trauma of divorce, over what.
Over what That mommy or daddy had sex with someone else Who cares The problem is, much like the war on drugs, the problem is that we take this absolutist approach to something that people are always going to do. People are always going to smoke marijuana. People are always going to drink alcohol and coffee and whatever. But we make these arbitrary judgments on what's acceptable and what isn'92t, that have nothing to do with the actual harm that anything of these things could cause to people. So we throw people in prison for, you know, growing a marijuana plant on their windowsill.
It makes no sense it causes much more harm than just letting people do what they want to do. And really, whose business is it if a couple decides that they're going to, you know, allow a little casual sexual behavior on the side, especially if, as Dan Savage argues, and I agree, it takes the pressure off the relationship. If the door's open a little bit, you don't feel trapped. It doesn't mean the door has to be swung wide open, but, you know, the fact that it's open a little bit doesn't mean that the.
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