Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Reasons Relationships Fail Money
Alright, we’re talking about reasons why relationships deteriorate.As i promised in the last clip, now we’re ready to talk about money.I’m sure you’d know this, but if you don’t i want to let you know that the major reason research studies have shown that relationships deteriorate is over money.Why is that well, money equals power and whoever makes the most money has the most power.That’s one of the major reasons that money causes so many problems, but there’s other problems related to money.Many men have major issues with the wife making more.
Money.That can be a huge problem in relationships, but it can also be something as i’ll use the word trivial, but i mean it in the sense of smaller, like you can’t agree on how to spend the money or perhaps one person is very frugal with money, very likes to keep savings, like to have, you know, a nest egg.The other person spends all the money, is just very frivolous with their money.So many, many things, many different things occur with money.But, that’s one of those major things that you really need to define the terms of money.
Marriage Relationship Advice How to Fix Communication Problems
Hi, i’m patti german and i’m a licensed marriage and family therapist here in new york city.In this clip, we are going to talk about how to fix communication problems.The most important part of communicating is to learn to be a very good listener.Part of what happens in relationships is people start yelling at each other and no one can hear anything when you are being yelled at.So, to understand what communication is, is to really hear what someone is talking about, and where it’s coming from within them.Is it coming from a place of.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Reasons Relationships Fail Third Parties
Alright, we are looking at specific ways, specific reasons in which relationships deteriorate.The next one we want to talk about is third party.You know, you’ve heard the phrase twos company, threes a crowd, well that’s what happens here.Now, when we talk about third party we’re talking about bringing someone else into the relationship.Now, the first thing that you probably think of is spouses or girlfriends or boyfriends or intimate sexual relationships and we cheat on each other.That is definitely third party involvement, but it doesn’t always have to be sexual.It can be you start to hang out with somebody.
Different, because what third party involvement is all about is that one person’s needs are not getting met anymore.So, they have to seek elsewhere to get those needs met and maybe it’s not all of their needs maybe it’s just some of their needs.So, all of a sudden where you two were hanging out every friday night together or you two were hanging out every weekend together now all the sudden i want to go hang out with jim.Well, i think i’ll go out with sally on saturday instead, because you need that you need to have those.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Annoyances
Alright, the next thing that we want to take a look at that happens if a relationship is deteriorating is your take on behavior, the way that somebody does something.When the relationship was good and everything was great, that was so cute, the way they laugh or the way they smacked their food, or whatever it was, whatever behavior, it was really cute.And now all of a sudden it is so annoying.Now the behavior has not changed, what has changed is how you feel about it.You no longer are attracted to this person or no longer.
Have a positive relationship with this person so all of a sudden your attitude about them has changed.Maybe there’s something about them that before was very different, oh, isn’t that unique, they’re so different the way they put their cigarettes out , or whatever it is.All of a sudden that behavior becomes very inconsiderate.I thought it was cool before when you didn’t open the door for me because that was who you are and that’s what you stood for, now it’s just kind of inconsiderate and rude.Well that person always did that.
Love and Marriage Husband and Wife Relationship Advice
Hi my name is John lund and i am the author of how to hug a porcupine and that’s a book about toxic behaviors dealing with difficult to love people.And this is a very important concept and so what i want to do is give you a little background.I’ve been a divorce mediator for fifteen years.I’ve been a marriage and family educator for fortythree years.I was a family court commissioner for five years in the state of washington determining where the children went and how the division of assets went in a relationship.I’m coming.
From a position of being very, very practical.I’m not coming from an ivory tower or from a theoretical position and so we are going to talk about some behaviors that are critical in terms of helping a marriage stay together.What is it there is a fundamental principle and let’s see if we can go over that principle now.If i had two giant magnets here and these magnets were of course at opposite poles no matter how hard you tried you’d find these magnets would be repelling and on the other hand if we were to invert those magnets and.
Push them you’ld find t hey would draw together and i use to have a couple of giant horseshoe magnets that were nearly impossible to pull part because they were so strong.The same is true of behaviors.There are behaviors that attract and there are behaviors that repel and we are going to be talking about a number of issues with toxic behaviors so let me define what a toxic behavior is.A toxic behavior is any behavior that detracts from you or some else becoming their highest and best self.That’s what a toxic behavior.
Is now that may sound kind of broad and we’ll see if we can’t bring it into something more positive but imagine people don’t have a hard time loving each other do you realize that it’s the inability to deal with the negative that is the greatest issue that we have to look at and so when people adopt what i call toxic behaviors then it prevents them from being able to share the love that they have.There was a wonderful book written by John gottman out of the university of washington and it was called how or why relationships.
Succeed or fail and the irony of that was John gottman pointed out that unless you have five positives for every negative the relationship will eventually fail.Most of us don’t even think about the positive things that are happening in terms of interactions but we need to look at toxic behaviors.So let’s look at just a toxic behavior and later we’re going to talk about a toxic personality.That’s an individual that adopts toxic behaviors as a normal course of their communication and interaction.So for right now lets take about a toxic behavior as any behavior that for example does not allow you.
To become your highest and best self.So as we look at that one of the first ones that may be the most obvious is going to be criticism.Now criticism is very, very interesting.We have grown up in a hyper critical society.We’ll have a lot to say about this as we go through the book at different times but for right now.I just want to point out that it is a habit that most of us have that we are not even aware of and i like to compare.
That to this.In china they have different kinds of teas that they brew and some of these recipes are literally thousands of years old.Well some of the teas they have now found as they analyze them have in them arsenic just a tiny tiny amount.Well that amount may not kill you but accumulative amount of that will indeed lead to death and that’s toxic and that’s poison and the same is true in relationships most relationships can survive ascertain amount of criticism.They can survive that the reality of that is however.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Nonverbal Withdrawal
Alright, we have talked about causes that of why relationships deteriorate.Now, we’re ready to take a look at the effects of that.What are the signs and symptoms that you will see what will you actually experience what will it feel like, what will it look like well, the first thing that we’re going to take a look at is we’re going to talk about withdrawal, verbally and nonverbally.When i talk about nonverbal withdrawal, i’m talking about all of a sudden, you need your own space.Get out of my space, and tempers can tend.
To fly a little bit faster if that other person gets in your space.We’re also talking about withdrawing from touch.Don’t touch me, don’t touch me anymore.A lot less displays of affection, alright.A lot less smiles.A lot less physical interaction.A whole lot less eye contact as well.Whereas before when you were having these conversations, you were intimately looking at each other, now we’re looking away.There’s distraction.It can also be, maybe perhaps, you have similar styles in your clothing, all of a sudden you don’t.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Benefits
Alright, we’re talking about relationship deterioration and signs that you might see that you’re relationship is deteriorating.And i want to talk now about the things that you receive versus the things that you get.You might think of this in terms of profit and loss.There are certain amount of things that you invest in a relationship and there are certain benefits that you get back from your investment.Well, what starts to happen if your relationship is deteriorating is that starts to decrease.All of a sudden, you’re not quite willing to give quite so much anymore.And the rewards that you’re getting back are.
Relationship Communication Problems Relationship Communication Problems Lack of Feedback
Ok.Now, let’s talk about the barrier to communication, feedback.I know you’re saying to yourself, well i though feedback was good, well good feedback is good, but sometimes the lack of feedback or negative feedback can be very much a barrier to communication.A lot of times when people are in conflict or have problems in relationships they tend to shut down.So, the other person might be trying to communicate with them and then this is what they get.They ask a question, they’re talking and what they receive is this.Kind.
Of a bit of a barrier, right.A lot of it is male female differences.My favorite story to tell when i’m talking about feedback is about the man and woman, who are going out, not the first date by any means, but they’re going out on a date, they’ve been together for a while and he’s not saying anything.She’s talking and talking and talking and he’s not giving her any feedback, he’s saying nothing.So, all of a sudden she starts thinking in her head oh my gosh he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s taking me out tonight he’s going.
To break up with me, this relationship is over and i don’t know how i’m going to carry on in the world or function as a human.He’s thinking i wonder when was the last time i changed those windshield wiper blades.See, there wasn’t a conflict at all, but his lack of feedback started a conflict within her mind.So, positive feedback, any feedback is really good.It’s just important that you do it that you give feedback in a nice tactful, respectful way.That takes away the barrier of communication and establishes an open line.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Social Niceties
Alright, we’re talking about effects of relationship deterioration.The last one that you might see and notice if your relationship is deteriorating if one of my all time favorites.The reason it’s my favorite is because it becomes so obvious that the relationship is in trouble when you see this.I’m talking about social niceties.When i say social niceties when we’re in public or maybe it doesn’t even necessarily have to be in public, but it’s social graces.It’s basically using your manners.Would you mind getting that for me please or could.