I really just needed to talk to somebody.
MUSIC gtgtCANDACE What I was really experiencing was just a hard time readjusting. I really just needed to talk to somebody, I think. gtgtJASON I definitely ended up going through a lot of bouts of depression and PTSD. And I definitely had a hard time. gtgtKARL And when I Googlesearched Veterans services near Los Angeles, the first thing that came up was the Vet Center. gtgtJEFFREY What I like the most about going to the Vet Center is that I was with likeminded people. I was with people that I know have been through similar things that I've been through.
Going in and getting counseling from the VA and realizing that you need the counseling and realizing that you can get help is the most important thing. gtgtKARL Vet Centers are really the bestkept secret within the VA. It's just one of those community resources that don't get publicized as much as other programs. gtgtCANDACE They're small. They're communitybased. Most of the counselors have also served in a combat zone. When you call, you talk to a live person. You can get in right away. It's help with no hassle. gtgtJEFFREY You can have group counseling.If you're married or.
You have a significant other, you can have your significant other come in there for free counseling. You can go in there together for marriage counseling. There's financial management aid there. They have representatives from different organizations come down there and help you with your claims, or compensation and pension, or any other issues that you're having. gtgtTEXT Active duty service members are also eligible. gtgtCANDACE Eligibility for a Vet Center is any Veteran who has served in a combat zone as well as their family members, as well as any Veteranmale or femalewho has experienced.
Military sexual trauma, as well as bereavement, which is the family members of Veterans who have died on active duty. gtgtPETER The Vet Center is there to serve you. They tell you about your benefits. They provide both physical and sociological guidance. gtgtJASON It was another Veteran talking to me, so I felt like he understood a lotwhere I came from and the combat experience. We had a brotherhood there, with being another Veteran talking to you instead of a therapist that really doesn't know anything about war and combat. gtgtCANDACE Vet Center counselors know what it's like to adjust.
Marriage Divorce Developing Emotional Intimacy
I'm Joe Cuenco with Family Resources and today we're going to be talking about how to make marriages grow stronger and closer, specifically how to develop emotional intimacy. This is something that a lot of couples really struggle with, developing a sense of emotional intimacy or mental closeness. And realistically, it's a very positive thing in a relationship but both people must be very willing to do this and also pay attention to the signals of communication. The fundamentals have to actually be there, trust, respect and you have to be able to.
Communicate. And the communication is important, especially the listening, active listening understanding what each other is actually saying. And it does require a bit of sharing. It really exposes some level of vulnerability, risk, but that's what you have to do in order to begin the sharing process. So realistically you need to assess where each other is on the scale. One might be closed off, one might be open, but you really need to be together in terms of being able to share on this openness dimension. Really what needs to happen is.
That there has to be a dialog and perhaps one partner shares at an emotional level something that may be a little bit risky. It may be talking about the children. It may be talking about something in the bedroom. It may be talking about something in the relationship, and demonstrate that there's some action required. And if your partner actually listens and takes action, then trust begins developing and also it's a level of success. And therefore, this type of emotional intimacy starts to begin to be created. So it's the action, it's the.
Action, it's the building, it's the listening and actually which will foster more opening up. And it's a repetition which will increase this cycle of success and bring a couple closer and closer. And this is really something that will help strengthen the relationship, strengthen the partnership and strengthen the marriage, you know if it is a married couple. There are workshops that can be helpful here. Marriage education and some things like this are available from Family Resources or other programs that might be in your community. And that's how.
Marriage The Art Of Getting Older Together
So much of i think the art of getting older is this thing that eric erickson talked about as generativity which involves many things like for example ceding the stage center of the stage for the next generation really coming to terms with your limitations i mean really looking at the way in which uh. life doesn't offer everything that you had hoped it would you can think about that as a kind of negative depressive thing that you just have to deal with and accept but I actually think that you can think about it more positively than that I mean sure it's painful and sure.
There's a lot to mourn but there's also possibility in all these limitations I mean the more that you you know the more that you in a way collide with the realities of life there's also a way in which i think you can grow and find a lot of meaning and it's not only a problem in our generation I think we see it with kids i do a lot of talking about kids and sexuality uh. and one of the things that comes up again and again is the way that that kids who are growing.
Up in this world of infinite possibility end up really searching for meaning 'cause they're trying to find like what's going to mean anything if I can just have whatever i want whenever i want it uh. it's an empty making thing so bringing it all back now to marriage i think one of the things that and frankly I want to be clear when I'm talking about marriage I'm not just talking about marriage in the sense of a legal name marriage I'm talking about a deep personal commitment to work something through with somebody else over time.
It is an incredible exercise at its best in learning about limitation but in a very positive way about learning about how whenever you make a choice you have to give something up as well as get something which is I think an exercise that we lose track of so much in this culture I mean I don't know whether we'll get to talk about this but promiscuity and monogamy are wonderful examples of that what you what you get and what you give up when you make a choice to be monogamous and I'm not.
Marriage Deal Breakers
The things interestingly that i found are real um deal breakers are one when people don't believe that they have anything to work on and they really believe that in a kind of set way not just in a defensive way you can't get into a different position that a that's a really hard sign and the other thing is when people don't feel anything for each other anymore uh and it's not just a kind of defensive numbness but but they really don't care those are the two things that really worry me when i first meet somebody are there certain crisis points.
Where people decide well i need couples therapy at this point in that uh that would be more beneficial for them to see you earlier rather than later in their relationship well there's two I'm going to take that question up on two levels because it's a question that leads into some of the deeper things that i wanted to write about in the book first of all of us just pragmatically i think people tend to come too late people tend to come when they're in a tremendous amount of pain.
Uh and I think it would be better if people came earlier but part of the reason i think that is because i think i think we think about what makes or breaks a marriage way too much in terms of the whole business of how much pain there is or how much hardship there is or what the trouble is one of the things i really wanted to do in writing this was to redefine again how we think about marriage and now we tend to have this kind of rodney king attitude about marriage like.
Why can't we just get along as if a good marriage is one in which people can get along without a lot of rancor or hardship and i think that that way underestimates what a marriage can be I think ultimately we do better in life when we take on more than when we take on less and i think we ought to try the same attitude about marriages that that we ought to think about 'em as actually an opportunity to grow and change that really can be quite radical in this particular culture.
And if we have time i'd love to get into why this culture in particular but what i would argue and one of the kind of cornerstones about thinking about this is that people ought to stop thinking about problems I mean the kinds of repeating problems that actually characterize every intimate relationship over time as as necessarily only bad things because i would argue that every single one of those repeating problems those repeating arguments that folks get into are frankly opportunities that each of those things represents ways in which people are bringing problematic parts themselves to a relationship.
Its Not About The Nail
It's just There's all this pressure. You know And sometimes it feels like it's right up on me. And. I can just feel it like literally feel it in my head. And it's relentless, and. I don't know if it's gonna stop. I mean, that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever gonna stop. Yeah. Well. you do have a nail. in your head. It is not about the nail. Are you sure, because, I mean, I'll bet, if we got that out of there.
Stop trying to fix it! No, I'm not trying to fix it! I'm just pointing out, that maybe the nail is causing You always do this! You always try to fix things when I really need is for you just listen! See, I don't think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail out See, you're not even listening now! OK, fine. I will listen. Fine. It's just sometimes, it's like, there's this achy. I don't know what it is. And I'm not sleeping very well at all.
Wedding Proposal Marriage Advice Maintain a Healthy Sexual Marriage
Hi I'm Joe Cuenco, marriage researcher and writer. Today we're going to talk about the health of our sexual relationship. In particular how do we maintain a healthy sexual relationship. Well a healthy sexual relationship is really a key barometer of where we are in a relationship, the health of a relationship. Now we need to understand that the fundamentals need to be there first. For example, love, trust, respect, friendship, communication, and if those fundamentals are there, then the reality is that a healthy sexual relationship will just be an extension of these things. In particular, communication is very important. Most women.
Believe that the dialog and being able to open share feelings is really kind of a precursor to having a satisfying sexual relationship. But the other things need to be attended to. For example, the bills need to be paid, the shopping needs to be done, and the house needs to be maintained, and all these things need to be attended to for you to start working on a healthy sexual relationship. But the important thing is that, you know, we need to be considerate of the way we are viewed by our spouse. Are we doing our best to keep.
Ourselves healthy Are we living a healthy lifestyle Are we taking care of ourselves For example, if, if the husband is starting to chew , that's not very sexy to the wife. So we really need to pay attention to the things we are doing. Are they going to enhance our sexual relationship Are they going to detract from it Now we recognize that we all can't be Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but we can do the best to keep ourselves healthy. The other thing is that, it's important for us to pay little attention, be affectionate,.
Be affectionate, have the right dialog, the right attitudes. Sometimes holding hands, hugs, kisses, the rubs on the shoulder, the pats on the butt, are all things that show your spouse that you really appreciate her, or appreciate him, and this is just a natural extension. So flirting becomes another thing that, that adds a little spice to the relationship, but if everything is healthy, then the sexual relationship will just be an extension of maintaining that health and it's all part of a larger puzzle, and that's how we maintain.
The Ineffectiveness Of Nagging
You know when you nag somebody i mean nagging is this completely cool form of complaint that is like on the one hand really annoying and at the same time incredibly ineffective so I'll talk about myself when I nag my wife I say I have this way 'cause you know because i'm a pain in the neck uh say you know repeatedly the same things over and over again I'm incredibly ineffective and I know that what i'm doing is I'm saying something that i'm unhappy about but nagging is a way of being unwilling to say it in a way that's really.
Direct and honest and that actually lets me be out there and puts my own wishes needs vulnerability and realness on the line so it's kinda like I'm just throwing stuff out from behind a wall you know it yeah and it's annoying and she's got to fend it off but I'm not out there so what happens when you for example take nag uh what's a good nag when are you going to put up those shutters right when are you going to put up those shutters is a wonderful example of a nag now not speaking about how you do this but when I would.
Say that I would have a way of doing it as a kind of ongoing complaint but without saying you know what look talk to me you know this is something I actually really need from you it actually makes a difference to me when you don't do that i actually feel like i'm not getting any help or support and and that's a hard thing for me so will you talk to me about this what is the deal with the shutters cuz it is something i need and and that's a different conversation even though it has the same content and it's different.
For a lot of reasons but one of the reasons it's different is because you are saying I actually need something from you in a way that i think we're often much more wary about putting out because were wary about the disappointment of not getting it or about what it means to really ask for it nagging is a compromise so more direct open communication would alleviate some of that and it really is a method of us being able to improve some of what they what she might perceive as a falt.
Preferably one of things that but I think one of the things that i guess i believe a lot of the selfhelp books on marriage don't get at is that we all kind of know what to do to make a relationship better it's what you just said direct and honest communication being not blaming being willing to be more direct saying nice things to each other I mean it's not rocket science what is involved in making a relationship better so that one gets along better I think that what gets missed in a lot of that selfhelp stuff.
Is actually the reasons why we don't do those things and why they're hard to do you know it's like it's sort of like it's it's like batting practice right you can sit up there in batting practice and just usually do pretty well when the game starts and somebody's throwing something like ninety eight miles an hour under your chin and then they throw a slider on the outside corner it's a hell of a lot harder and that's like the difference between self help and the real world when we're out there in the real world we're not only having to think about how do i say this.
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