How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship and Resolve Conflict in Marriage
Picture this: You’re fighting with your partner and the tension is rising between you, then all of a sudden you notice a spark of anger in their eyes and KABOOM!!! A massive fight erupts. Now you’ve been here before and you know how these kind of fights end. Usually in icy cold silences with one of you sleeping on the couch and leaving a crater of hurt that could take weeks to recover from. Hi, I’m Bruce Muzik. I’m a relationship coach and I help couples to stop fighting, start connecting and turn their marriages and relationships around. In this tutorial we are going to learn.
Four counter intuitive strategies to stop any fight from exploding into a volcanic like eruption and actually resolve the conflict in any place. anytime. A big promise?. I know, and I’ve road tested all four of these strategies in my relationship coaching practice so I know that they work. Here is strategy number 1: Imagine you are in a boxing ring. and your opponent is throwing punches at you left, right and center What do you do? Well, you block and you duck and you defend yourself and whenever you get an opportunity you throw a couple of punches back, and they block and defend themselves and you go backwards and forth creating punches. When you’re defending. you.
Are inviting them to attack and throw punches. When you are attacking, you are inviting them to defend. And what most people don’t see is that defense and attack are two sides of the same coin and as long as you’re defending yourselves you’re inviting an attack and as long as you are attacking you’re inviting your opponent to defend themselves. The only way to stop a fight is to actually step out of the ring. completely. Try this instead: Instead of fighting be defenseless. You are actually inviting conflict in by defending yourself, so here is an easy way to be defenseless. Find something you can agree with your partner about. Find something in what they’ve said that you can.
Agree with. You might hypothetically say something like quot;Yes honey, you’re right. I did leave the car headlights on and the battery is flatquot;. With no yelling at you about leaving the lights on in the car. This is going to completely catch them off guard and interrupt that pattern of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend. It will also sooth your partner and calm them down knowing that you’re not defending. That you are actually agreeing with them. But Bruce! I hear you cry. What if I can’t find something to agree with? Well. then you’re going to try strategy number two. Strategy number two is to demonstrate that you are listening. You see, we human beings have an almost primal need to feel heard and understood; and half the time your partner.
Is upset their just wanting you to listen to them, they just want you to hear them so they can feel that you understand them and you care about what they are saying. So try this strategy to make you partner feel heard and understood. When they are talking with you in an upset tone of voice, instead of defending yourself; repeat back to them what they actually said. So you might say something like, quot;So what I am hearing you say honey is that I left the lights on and the car battery is flat and now you’re gonna be late for work, did I get it?quot; Notice at the end I put the phrase quot;DID I GET IT?quot; I did this because I want to confirm that I’ve actually understood what my partner says, it shows them how much.
I really want to understand what they are saying, and it’s also a sign of respect and calms down that reptilian part of their brain that might be about to get triggered. When they hear you say quot;Did I get it? They know that they are going to have an opportunity to speak and you’re just going to listen, you are not going to be defending. It’s a great way to deescalate conflict. Try it! It works like magic. I’ll teach you an even more advance version of this tool in my Love At First Fight coaching program, which I will tell you more about at the end of this tutorial. Now, strategy number three is to take ownership of the situation and apologize for your part in it. But you did left the headlights on didn’t you? Yeah.
You did, right? And you did make your partner late for work? Yeah, you have right? So you might say something like quot;You’re right honey, I did leave the car headlights on and I have made you late for work and I’m really sorryquot;. You see how that works? You can’t argue with that, right? That’s the power of a simple heart felt apology and taking responsibility for your part in what you’ve created. Okay, here is our fourth and final strategy to stop any fight dead in its tracks. And it’s this: It’s called stand together and attack the misunderstanding. You see, what most couples do is they stand.
Its Not About The Nail
It’s just There’s all this pressure. You know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me. And. I can just feel it like literally feel it in my head. And it’s relentless, and. I don’t know if it’s gonna stop.
I mean, that’s the thing that scares me the most, is that I don’t know if it’s ever gonna stop. Yeah. Well. you do have a nail. in your head. It is not about the nail.
Are you sure, because, I mean, I’ll bet, if we got that out of there Stop trying to fix it! No, I’m not trying to fix it! I’m just pointing out, that maybe the nail is causing You always do this! You always try to fix things.
When I really need is for you just listen! See, I don’t think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail out See, you’re not even listening now! OK, fine. I will listen. Fine. It’s just sometimes, it’s .
Like, there’s this achy. I don’t know what it is. And I’m not sleeping very well at all. And all my sweaters are snagged. I mean, all of them. That sounds. really hard. It is.
Thank you. Oww!! Oh, come ON! If you would just DON’T!.