Neil Hilborn OCD Rustbelt 2013

The first time I saw her, everything in my head went quiet. All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images, just disappeared. When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don't really get quiet moments. Even in bed I'm thinking did I lock the door yes did I wash my hands yes did I lock the door yes did I wash my hands yes. But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips or the eyelash on her cheek the eyelash on her cheek the eyelash on her cheek.

I knew I had to talk to her. I asked her out six times. In thirty seconds. She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right so I had to keep going. On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating or talking to her, but she loved it. She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times, or twentyfour times if it was Wednesday. She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are a lot of cracks.

When we moved in together, She said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times. I'd always watch her mouth when she talked when she talked when she talked when she talked when she talked. When she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges. At night, she'd lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off.

She'd close her eyes and imagine that days and nights were just passing in front of her. Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye but she'd just leave because I was making her late for work. When I stopped at a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking. When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line. She told me I was taking up too much of her time. Last week she started sleeping at her mother's place. She told me that she shouldn't have let me.

Get so attached to her, that this whole thing was a mistake, but how can it be a mistake that I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her Love is not a mistake. It's killing me that she can run away from this and I just can't. I can't go out and find someone new because I always think of her. Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars. She was the first.

Beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel. How she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe. How she blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out now I just think about who else is kissing her. I can't breathe because he only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect. I want her back so bad, I leave the door unlocked.

Sabrina Benaim Explaining My Depression to My Mother

Explaining my depression to my mother a conversation mom, my depression is a shape shifter. one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear. on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone. i call the bad days the dark days. mom says try lighting candles. when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame sparks of a memory younger than noon i am standing beside her open casket,.

It is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will someday die. besides, mom, i'm not afraid of the dark. perhaps that's part of the problem. mom says i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed. i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head. mom says where did anxiety come from anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. mom, i am the party. only i am a party I don't want to be at.

Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties. see your friends. sure, i make plans. i make plans, but I don't wanna go. i make plans because i know i should want to go. i know sometimes i would have wanted to go. it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't wanna have fun, mom. you see, mom, each night, insomnia sweeps me up in it's arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light. insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.

Mom says try counting sheep. but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake. so I go for walks but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists, they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness i cannot baptize myself in. mom says happy is a decision. my happy is a high fever that will break. my happy is as hollow as a pinpricked egg. mom says i am so good at making something out of nothing.

And then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying. no, i am afraid of living. mom, i am lonely. i think i learnt it when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy. so when i tell you i've been super busy lately, i mean i've been falling asleep watching sportscentre on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed. but my depression always drags me back to my bed, until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,.

Lily Myers Shrinking Women CUPSI 2013

Across from me at the kitchen table, my mother smiles over red wine that she drinks out of a measuring glass. She says she doesn't deprive herself, but I've learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork, in every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate. I've realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it. I wonder what she does when I'm not there to do so. Maybe this is why my house feels bigger each time I return it's proportional.

As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast. She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry, a new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she's crazy about fruit. It was the same with his parents as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, rotund stomach and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking, making space for the entrance of men into their lives, not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.

I have been taught accommodation. My brother never thinks before he speaks. I have been taught to filter. How can anyone have a relationship to food he asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs. I want to tell say we come from difference, Jonas you have been taught to grow out I have been taught to grow in you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much.

I learned to absorb. I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself. I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters, and I never meant to replicate her, but spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits. That's why women in my family have been shrinking for decades. We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit weaving silence inbetween the threads which I can still feel as I walk through this.

Evergrowing house, skin itching, picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again, nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled, deciding how many bites is too many, how much space she deserves to occupy. Watching the struggle I either mimic or hate her, and I don't want to do either anymore but the burden of this house has followed.

What Guys Look For In Girls A Slam Poem

When I first learned that no one could ever love me more than me a world of happiness previously unseen was discovered because somewhere along the line of aging and scrutiny and time I was taught to despise myself but I made sure I kept myself beautiful so someone would love me someday so I could belong to someone someday because that's the most important thing a little girl could ever want, right I was thirteen the first time I was embarrassed about my body of course it would not be the last and I remember stuffing my bra in the morning.

Tears stinging my eyes hoping, praying to something that I could look beautiful enough today, braces and all, for the ruthless boys who mercilessly told me I was worthless because my boobs weren't big enough and I would go home and put on a sweatshirt with my eyes closed, deny myself the right to be shown myself, because I didn't dare want to insinuate beauty in regards to something so insulting as my body. But I mean we all end up with our heads between our knees because the only place we'll ever really feel safe.

Is curled up inside skin we've been taught to hate by a society that shuns our awful confidence and feeds us our own flaws and sometimes when I need to meet the me that loves me, I can't find her, a reminder that the mirror is meant to be a curse so I confine her in my mind but when he or she shouts let me out we're allowed to listen. But it's met by a chorus of conceited egotistical narcissist but since when was self solicitude a sin since when was loving who we are made an offense by morons that don't matter.

Change this physicality and that one, don't you dare shatter the illusion you could ever be anything beyond paper fine flesh and flashy teeth and fingernails echoic accusations of not good enough, never good enough have you ever felt so numb that it hurts entertain me whore you can't surrender to them you gotta remember you're the only thing you'll ever truly have and no I don't mean your body because someday that'll go bad no matter what you do I mean you I mean the way your bright eyes go wild when.

You smile and how your laughter's so melodic it's a song I mean the way your creativity is a compass that leads you to what you love and you don't need any miracle cream to keep your passions smooth, hair free or diet pills to slim your kindness down and when you start to drown in these these petty expectations you better reexamine the miracle of your existence because you're worth so much more than your waistline you're worth the beautiful thoughts you think and the daring dreams you dream, undone and drunk off alcohol of being.

But sometimes we forget that because we live in a word where the media pulls us from the womb nurses us and teaches us our first words skinny pretty skinny pretty girls soft quiet pretty boys manly muscles pretty but I don't care whether it's your gender, your looks, your weight, your skin, or where your love lies none of that matters because standards don't define you you don't live to meet credentials established by a madman you're a goddamn treasure whether you wanna believe it or not and maybe that's what everyone should start.

Dylan Garity Friend Zone Button Poetry First Readings

The first time I ever danced with a girl she leaned in close and asked me why are your arms so stiff Dancing with you is like dancing with a mannequin If they made mannequins super bony and with very sweaty palms. And to be fair, my palms were sweaty and simultaneously ice cold I was, and continue to be, a miracle of physics. Who knew that adult hands could be supported by wrists that a fiveyearold or baby duck could easily snap. This may be part of why I spent my teenage years.

Absolutely failing with women. In middle school, I would ask girls who I liked how much they weighed to see if I weighed more. Numbers made me excited! I loved math! I used to think this meant everyone else loved math, too! In high school, I became intimate with the friend zone. With one girl, I spent so many years in the friend zone I didn't even realize I was in it. She was from Sweden. so I guess it was literally Stockholm syndrome. I would come over to her house and help her.

With calculus and I would comfort her and tell her how she was beautiful or how her boyfriend was a dick or how integrals are related to derivatives Eventually, I spent so much time in the friend zone that I grew to think of it as some kind of magical home away from home some lush forest filled with unicorns and elves and puppies none of whom were getting laid. I was on an adventure! Constantly uncovering new questions about this mystical place Are you in the friend zone if they're sleeping with other people and NOT telling you about.

It Are you in the friend zone if they tell you they could totally see marrying you in fifteen years Why would you marry me in fifteen years if in fifteen years I'll still be a virgin because you never slept with me A few months after my first girlfriend and I broke up, I heard she lost her virginity to the next guy she dated. At the time, I thought of this as a betrayal, not her choice. As if she owed me something. A newspaper column once defined the friend zone as follows.

She discusses her love life with him and has the audacity to ask his advice on it. He performs favors for her. He does everything a boyfriend would do but without the benefits. as if the only reason to be a good friend or a decent fing human is if you get something in exchange. The problem is, when I started thinking of myself as a savior, I ended up thinking of myself as a savior with a salary You put in your hours as a nice guy and sex is just a living wage.

But sex is not a transaction. Sex is not a handshake to close some deal. That girl did not owe me anything. Last year, I heard that her home was broken into in a neighborhood known for sexual assaults. Nothing happened to her. We all know the statistics. Your rapist is more likely to be someone you know. The boogie man, the stranger in the alley, is real, but less real than we are. We all know the statistics. but we don't know how to accept that we can be part of the problem.

The Fallen feat. KickthePJ

Alien shrieks soldier yells Arrrrghhh!! What the bitch! Arrrgghhh!! Aaaaaaaaaaliens!!! aliens shriek Arrrggghh. Arrrrggghh!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!! PJ PJ! Hutchins! Tell my wife. Tell her I love her. I will.I will. PJ PJ! Be a chap and take this poem to my fat wife. Thank you. Thank you. Your struggle is over. Hey, PJ PJ! Would you take THIS poem to MY wife Actually, I haven't finished it yet. What rhymes with 'divorce' Haha! Yeah. My wife. Yes Take her. Take my wife. What Take me dancing. Take ME! I.have to go!.

Wake me up at, like, 5 Haha, sure. Yeah. SERIOUSLY! Snores That's.not a moon. Read me a poem. I want a divorce Deep. Get in the TARDIS! Piss off. Can you help me find the pin to this grenade No! Is there anyone here who DOESN'T have a fatal injury! offscreen I don't! explosion Okay, now I do! Pass the salt Hide my porn! Save Equestria! FIND MY LEGS!! Read my fortune! You never take me anywhere nice. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! doorbell Good evening, madam. I served with your husband in the Space Marines and.

What I Wish Someone Told Me About Having Sex

I thought I knew everything there was to know about having safe sex. I thought I knew everything there was to know about having safe sex. Always carry a condom and never, ever get pregnant. But I guess what I needed more than a dental dam was a mental dam, because I just can't stop thinking about you. People love to talk about how to avoid STIs of the physical kind but nobody likes to talk about the STIs that can destroy your mind. The ones that can have you tossing and turning at 3 AM,.

Raking your brain and constantly wondering was I not good enough for him Was this just suppose to be a one time thing or, my favorite one, how could I be so stupid, enough to let him in My sister always told me that my body was a temple so never let a man in that doesn't take the proper time to worship you, because you are a goddess that is truly worth sacrificing for. I only wish that I had taken the time to listen to her more often. But instead, I chose to listen to you,.

And that would've been okay if it weren't for the fact that your love for me was untrue. Because you liked someone else when you said that you liked me too. Then deception turned into a matter of perception and everything started to feel like fifty questions, except at the end of the day I was still left guessing, and this asshole kept testing my patience. But my mama said patience is a virtue, and you said baby I'd never want to hurt you , but you did. You fucked me over and left my brain impregnated.

With your bastard babies called memories. It was all fun and games when I let you up in me but now you won't even take joint custody. It took all but two texts to get you through my door but let me text you about some child support. Just an honest why Because I will never let myself be reduced to some 2 AM whore, creeping out of windows and sneaking through back doors. I will never let myself be reduced to some side chick, just another side dish at the kitchen table,.

For you to pick at while you wait for your main entree, to just being your other bitch. I am a person. I have feelings and emotions that have a right to be protected. Just having a vagina and two tits should not make me any less deserving of your time, or someone to be disrespected. So, if you're gonna choose to be with her over me, well, I guess you have to do what is best then. I guess I just wish that we had taken the time to use both mental, and physical, protection,.

Michael Lee Pass On

When searching for the lost remember 8 things. 1. We are vessels. We are rooms. We are so much less important than the things inside of us. We are circuit boards, swallowing the electricity of life upon birth. It wheels through us all of our days. Creates every moment, the pulse of a story, the soft hums of labor and love. In our last moment it will come rushing from our chests and be given back to the wind. When we die, we go everywhere. 2. Newton said energy is neither created nor.

Destroyed. In the hallways of my old middle school I can still hear my friend Stephen singing his favorite song. In the gymnasium I can hear the way he dribbled that basketball like it was a mallet and the earth was a xylophone. With an ear to the Atlantic, I can still hear the Titanic's band playing her to sleep, Music. Wind. Music. Wind. If you listen to the wind and you don't hear at least a thousand years of music then you're not listening hard enough. 3. The day my grandfather passed away there was.

The strongest wind, I could feel his gentle hands blowing away from me. I knew then they were off to find someone who needed them more than I did. On average 1.8 people on earth die every second. There is always a gust of wind somewhere. 4. The day Stephen was murdered everything that made us love him rushed from his knife wounds as though his chest were an auditorium his life an audience leaving in single file wandering the earth for days and nights. Every ounce of him has been wrapping itself around this world in a windstorm.

I have been looking for him for 9 years. 5. Our bodies are nothing more than hosts to a collection of brilliant things. When someone dies I do not weep over their polaroids or belongings, I begin to look for the life that has left them, I feel out the strongest breeze and take off running. 6. After 9 years I found Stephen. I passed a basketball court in Boston the point guard dribbled like he had a stadium roaring through his palms Wilt Wilt Wilt Chamberlain pumping through his feet, his hands flashing like xrays,.

A crossover, a crossover wraparound rewinding, turntables cracking open, camera men turn flash bulbs to fireworks. Seven games and he never missed a shot, his hands were luminous. Pulsing. Pulsing. When I asked him how long he'd been playing, he said nine 9 years 7. The theory of six degrees of separation was never meant to see how many people we can find, it was a set of directions for how to find the people we have lost. I found your voice Stephen, found it in a young boy in Michigan who was.

Always singing, his lungs flapping like sails I found your smile in Australia, a young girls teeth shining like the opera house in your neck, I found your one true love come to life on the asphalt of Boston. 8. We are not created or destroyed, we are constantly transferred, shifted and renewed. Everything we are is given to us. Death does not come when a body is too exhausted to live Death comes, because the brilliance inside of us can only be contained for so long. We do not die. We pass on, pass on the life burning through our throats.

Dont Stay in School

I wasn't taught how to get a job but I can remember dissecting a frog I wasn't taught how to pay tax but I know loads about Shakespeare's classics I was never taught how to vote they devoted that time to defining isotopes I wasn't taught how to look after my health but mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell Never spent a lesson on current events instead I studied The Old American West I was never taught what laws there are. I was never taught what laws there are!!! Let me repeat I was not taught the laws for the country I live in,.

But I know how Henry the VIII killed his women. Divorced beheaded died, divorced beheaded survived glad that's in my head instead of financial advice I was shown the wavelengths of different hues of light but I was never taught my human rights Apparently there's 30, do you know them I don't Why the hell can't we both recite them by rote! I know igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary rocks Yet I don't know squat about trading stocks Or how money works at all where does it come from How does the thing that motivates the world function.

Not taught how to budget and disburse my earnings I was too busy rehearsing cursive. Didn't learn how much it costs to raise a kid or what an affidavit is but I spent days on what the quadratic equation is negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac over 2a That's insane, that's absolutely insane. They made me learn that over basic first aid How to recognise the most deadly Mental disorders or diseases with preventable causes. How to buy a house with a mortgage if I could afford it.

Cause abstract maths was deemed more important than advice that would literally save thousands of lives but it's cool, cause now I could tell you if the number of unnecessary deaths caused by that choice was prime. Never taught present day practical medicines, but I was told what the ancient hippocratic method is I've got a headache, the pain is ceaseless what should I take umm. maybe try some leeches Could we discuss domestic abuse and get the facts or how to help my depressed friend with their mental state Ummm. no but learn mental maths.

Because you won't have a calculator with you every day! They say it's not the kids, the parents are the problem Then if you taught the kids to parent that's the problem solved then! All this advice about using a condom but none for when you actually have a kid when you want one I'm only fluent in this language, for serious The rest of the world speaks two, do you think I'm an idiot They chose the solar over the political system So like a typical citizen now I don't know what I'm voting on.

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