Counseling Laguna Hills 714 '01652 Four Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
Hi. Robyn D'Angelo here, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist. Today I'm talking to you about four signs that your marriage could be in trouble. So, research shows that people in longterm, committed, unhappy relationships actually have lower selfesteem. They struggle with things like depression and anxiety. And they even have a higher chance of illness. So this really speaks to the severity of being in an unhappy relationship and how it can negatively impact, so not only, you know, mentally and emotionally, but also physically. So, there are four basic behaviors that are considered relationship.
Killers. And the first one is criticism. So, what this looks like is when you blame or put fault on your partner in a way that you're putting negative remarks out there of them. So that's like, You're just so lazy. Or, You never listen to me. Things like that. What happens when you consistently do this over time is you chip away at that love and that trust in your relationship. So, that's the first sign. The second sign is defensiveness. Defensiveness is basically when you're not taking any responsibility for your behaviors.
Or it's when you verbally attack or get kind of verbally aggressive with your partner in a response to any feedback from them. And what happens is this just melts away the connection between you and your partner. And, the third thing is contempt. So, when you have a contemptuous attitude toward your partner, you are kind of doing what we call like kind of zingers or kind of sticks with really negative comments to them. And that looks like namecalling. It can even look like kind of scoffing at them or mocking them. Because when you are contemptuous,.
You're basically saying, I'm superior to you and you're defective. That's the message that you're sending to your partner. So you can see how this can really negatively impact a relationship. And the fourth sign is something called stonewalling. And so this is when you purposely withdraw from a conversation, whether you're in conflict or it's just uncomfortable, with the intent to stop all communication. And this can look like, say you're on the phone with your partner in a heated conversation and they hang up on you or you hang up on.
Them. Or, it can look like you're having a conversation with your partner and it's one of those Fine, whatever, forget it. That's stonewalling. That's cutting off the communication. It can be really, really negatively impactful on your relationship. So, these four signsthese are actually what Drs. Julie and John Gottman call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And they sound just awful and that's because they are. So, if you're seeing some of these come up in your relationship and you'd like more help on how to eliminate these, give.
What is the REAL problem in Your Marriage
Good morning today I'm going to talk about something difficult okay marriages! So many times we find ourselves caught up in the same perpetual pattern, right I just was talking to someone yesterday who is on his third marriage each and every time he found himself in the same situation the same kind of relationship the same kind of problem, obviously that was not partners problem it was his problem. Because what we do is we get into a situation where we end up separating from the person when what we really need to be doing is separating.
From the problem! So instead of getting rid of the spouse, consider getting rid of the problem. Looking at whats really underneath, and seeing what is inside of you that's causing the same situation to happen over and over again. And work on that problem, and then, resolve the issues between you and yourself, because generally speaking, your going to end up married the same person next time anyway or not married at least in a relationship with the same type person once again because you are dealing with the demons inside of.
You. So if you find yourself in a repetitive pattern, or you find yourself in a situation where you are young and married to someone and you are like, why am I here I don't what this kind of relationship. Well, its not the relationship that is the problem. Its perhaps something inside of you that is the problem. And if you would address that, then, you and your partner can work it out. I've seen it happen again and again. I've saved more marriages than I can count and marriages where other counselors had given up on them, because they.
Were dealing with trying to resolve the conflicts skills, or managing communication skills when really whats going on is something deeper. So if you need help with that, you can check out my book, its called Oh Wow this changes everything its a great place to start and also I'm available through Skype sessions, if you are not in the area, I'm available in Frisco, and in Richardson, for in person visits. So just let me know how I can help you. You can find out more about me at melodybrooke Talk to you later, bye!.
How Darwin Can Save Your Marriage
We are designed by evolution to be titillated by erotic novelty, males and females. Given that evolutionary design, it's completely predictable that 10 years of the same thing, whether it's the same music or the same food or the same sex partner, is going to lead to resentment, discomfort, whatever. It'92s going to lead to a diminishment of passion, certainly. So we start with that and then we add to that the notion that we're taught that that shouldn't happen, that if it does happen there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your relationship.'a0.
And so people aren't expecting that to happen, and so they interpret that diminishment of passion as a failure. The point that we're trying to get across in the book is that it's not your fault. It's not your partner's fault. It's the fault of the clash between the sort of animal we are and the sort of society we've designed. And as long as there's that conflict between our biology and our societies, there are going to be these problems. So a harm reduction approach might make a lot more sense than this sort of absolutist approach that a lot of people take where any.
Infidelity, any, you know, my husband looks at porn, that means he doesn't love me anymore. I mean, these sorts of responses to very natural behaviors cause a lot more problems than they solve, I think. I think if marriage is going to survive as an institution, it's going to certainly have to continue adapting to the realities of human nature as opposed to trying to shoehorn human nature into some predetermined shape. The point of marriage is that you want to get old with someone. You want to share your life with someone. Maybe you want to raise children with someone. You want.
To have a certain stability and trust that you couldn't possibly get with shortterm relationships. That's the point of marriage. And by imposing this expectation of sexual exclusivity for 40, 50, 60 years, we're cutting ourselves off from those really important things for something that's essentially trivial. Sex really isn't really that important. It's not that big a deal. And by making it such a big deal, we sabotage things that really are important, these primary relationships.'a0 We have children going through divorces, victimized by the psychological trauma of divorce, over what.
Over what That mommy or daddy had sex with someone else Who cares The problem is, much like the war on drugs, the problem is that we take this absolutist approach to something that people are always going to do. People are always going to smoke marijuana. People are always going to drink alcohol and coffee and whatever. But we make these arbitrary judgments on what's acceptable and what isn'92t, that have nothing to do with the actual harm that anything of these things could cause to people. So we throw people in prison for, you know, growing a marijuana plant on their windowsill.
It makes no sense it causes much more harm than just letting people do what they want to do. And really, whose business is it if a couple decides that they're going to, you know, allow a little casual sexual behavior on the side, especially if, as Dan Savage argues, and I agree, it takes the pressure off the relationship. If the door's open a little bit, you don't feel trapped. It doesn't mean the door has to be swung wide open, but, you know, the fact that it's open a little bit doesn't mean that the.
Its Not About The Nail
It's just There's all this pressure. You know And sometimes it feels like it's right up on me. And. I can just feel it like literally feel it in my head. And it's relentless, and. I don't know if it's gonna stop. I mean, that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever gonna stop. Yeah. Well. you do have a nail. in your head. It is not about the nail. Are you sure, because, I mean, I'll bet, if we got that out of there.
Stop trying to fix it! No, I'm not trying to fix it! I'm just pointing out, that maybe the nail is causing You always do this! You always try to fix things when I really need is for you just listen! See, I don't think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail out See, you're not even listening now! OK, fine. I will listen. Fine. It's just sometimes, it's like, there's this achy. I don't know what it is. And I'm not sleeping very well at all.
Relationship problems, marriage therapy with hypnotherapist at Marlborough House Therapy Centre
The subject as relationships causes people a great deal of pain now human beings are social creatures and relationships are important to them whether this is real personal relationship work relationships family relationships it all matters. Yes to some extent some people will find their happy home coordinating, getting right but many people do suffer so at divorce with the divorce rate near about 40 percent and in surveys of financially successful couples showing that the equally unhappy if not more so. Anything you read in the press saying that happy relationships are based on finance are.
Utter nonsense. Happy relationships are based on treating each other in the right way and yet, why is it that intelligent people in the relationship will have an utterly miserable time. I'd put forward that a lot of people are utterly clueless about what a relationship means and this is not due to the rational components of the mind but the fact is that we operate from the emotional level and we are very often quite unconscious of our bejeweled behaviors so over the years we found rather than the regular marriage counseling type.
Approach which has limited success we've used hypnotherapy an coaching to help people get a better understanding of themselves and what they want in a relationship. Its a fact that some relationships do need to end there's no doubt about that, but people are just not suited and not willing but what has puzzled many many people is why do people who are perfectly capable of learning and excel in many areas of their life why do they carry on repeating the same mistakes in relationship simple question worth asking because very often couples will leave the situation get worse and worse.
Knowing that it isn't working, but they sit there hope that it gets better, that's not how a relationship improves, it takes understanding and it does take effort and we have the expertise to help you in that process and we offer a free initial assessment so please consider coming in to talk to us before you leave it and then too much resentment too much pain ends up finishing your relationship. We're here to help We're a team of experts we understand how you feel and we are very ethical in our approach, thank you.
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