Weird Advice New Parents Get

(baby laughs) She is an angel! She’s an angel straight from heaven. Can I give you some advice? Can we give you some advice? Can we give you some advice? Can I give you some advice? Sure. How old is she now? You’re sleep training right?.

Oh yeah, you gotta sleep train her. Don’t sleep train’em. Just put a little bourbon in their bottle, knock’em right out. The best way to get her to sleep is to give her a lettuce bath. A lettuce bath? Uhhmm. Like with real lettuce?.

What ever you do, do not let her sleep with a white noise machine. She’ll become addicted and become a insomniac, like me. I’m so tired. Oh, definitely no TV before the age of three. She won’t be able to tell what’s real and what’s not. If she bumps her head, put some butter on it and it’ll stop the bruising.

Is that really a thing? Oh it’s definitely a thing. Oh if she has callick, you have to blow cigarette smoke in her face. We don’t smoke, so. Well then you just have to start. Oh don’t let her sleep on her stomach or she’ll suffocate. And don’t let her sleep on her back,.

Because she’ll get a flat head. You should let her eat dirt. I let all my kids eat dirt. Builds up their immune systems. You let your kids eat dirt? Yep. And not one sniffle. Or you could try cosleeping.

Ours still sleeps between us. Yeah. It’s super great. Please don’t tell me your cosleeping. She’ll get all weird and clingy, like my cousin. He got arrested for stalking. Among other things. Sleep when the baby sleeps,.

Eat when the baby eats, but don’t poop when the baby poops cause’ baby’s poop too much. If she has to watch something, cartoons in a foreign language. That’s a good idea, that’s actually how I learned French and I still remember some. Umm. (makes animal noises) I only remember the animal noises.

Weird Things New Parents Worry About

(soft music) What are you doing? I’m watching her sleep. She’s fine. Come back to bed. I’m afraid she’ll stop breathing if I don’t watch her take every single breath. Okay, I’ll take the first shift.

Okay. (yawns) She has a hole in her head. It’s a soft spot. It’ll close up. What if it doesn’t? It will. But what if it doesn’t?.

Okay, you two lovebirds. Say cheese. Dad. Stop embarrassing me. (baby passes gas) (chuckles) Do you think she’ll always be afraid of her farts? (teenager passes gas).

What was that? (yells) What was that?! Sweetheart, it was a fart. (cries) Oh. Every time. The farts can’t get you now. It’s over.

(cries) Okay. Are you sure? (glass shatters) Oh! Should we be watching this with her? I mean, is exposing her to violence this early going to screw her up? (mumbles) (upbeat music).

Hold still. Father I don’t know. Could pay off. Cut! Perfect, that was great. All right, let’s leave some of the blood and go again for safety. Okay, and here we go.

What if we do something and then she rebels and grows up and becomes a stripper? She’s not going to be a stripper. (rock music) But if she does, I hope we’ve instilled in her the kind of work ethic that will make her the best stripper she can be. I respect her work ethic.

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