Unhealthy Relationships

Maybe I’ll just text him and say that we had to cancel the trip. What? Ali, it’s totally normal to go on a weekend getaway with a guy that you’ve only been on three dates with, haven’t had sex with. Yeah, it’s totally normal. What is wrong with me?.

No, dude, it’ll be fine. No. God, how long does it take to get beer? I know right, and she’s late for everything, but always blames me. That sucks. Yeah, one time I was five minutes late, and she made me pay her $5.

Wait, dude, what? Yeah, it was fine though, it was a joke. It was a bit (beers thudding on roof). Babe, get out, Ali’s new man has to sit in the front. He’s not my boyfriend. Thank you. (giggles) Okay, you’re gross.

(upbeat electronic dance music) Excuse me, driver, do you have a 4S charger? God, I hate this stupid bit, also update your fucking phone. So have you and your boyfriend does the? Sharpen pencils yet? No they haven’t. He’s not my boyfriend, we haven’t but I think.

I’ll be really good ’cause like our makeouts, and have me on the dry humpage. I knew you would be good. Oh my god, Jen stop, Ali does not want to hear about her bestfriend’s remarkable sexual prowess. Ugh, you too are sick. Aw, he’s so much cuter than his Instagram. Hey.

Hey, you need help? Oh, no, I’m good. Ali, he has a fucking backpack, he doesn’t need help. Shut up, do I look okay? Brittany Yes. You got it? Yup, brought some wine. Ali Thank you.

How’s it going? Hey. Hi, Brittany, big fan of your Instagram. Thank you. Charmed. Right, all right road trip. Who’s that? George, my rat exterminator.

Relationships Are Hard But Why Stan Tatkin TEDxKC

Relationships are difficult. Everybody knows that. Most people think it’s because of money, sex, kids, work, or who picks up the socks. Some people think it’s because we’re just not right for each other, or we don’t have enough in common. Look, it’s not just you, or him, or her.

There’s actually nothing more difficult on the planet than another person. Think about that. We’re all difficult; we all come to each new relationship wanting easy, but we also come with our fair share of unresolved painful experiences from previous relationships. Between love and work, love is by far, more complex and challenging.

Much of the reason for this is based in our automatic neurobiological reflexes, so let me explain. Let’s start with that fancy neocortex of yours, the high cortical areas. For simplicity sake, let’s call them your ambassadors. Your ambassadors are very smart, deliberate, but slow; and they’re very expensive to run. They’re really good at planning, predicting, organizing, languaging and if I may be frank, they’re really good at making shit up.

(Laughter) When you think of logic and reason, think ambassadors. The subcortical areas of your brain, let’s call them your primitives; they’re very fast, memorybased, automatic, and very cheap to run. They’re involved in love and sex, but also threat detection by scanning for dangerous faces, voices, gestures, movements, as well as dangerous words and phrases. When you think fight or flight, think primitives.

Thanks to your primitives, your day is 99% fully automatic. Your ambassadors love novelty, but they have to offload newness to your primitives in order to conserve resources. You can’t possibly run your day with your ambassadors in full gear; you would fry your brain. So the primitives use something called procedural memory, otherwise known as body memory, and it works like this:.

You learn to ride a bike; and in the beginning, your primitives and ambassadors are in full gear to learn this new skill, but very soon, your primitives are going to automate bike riding without much need for your ambassadors. It goes into procedural memory. Pretty neat, huh? Now you fall in love with someone, and again, your brain is lit up; you want to know everything about them.

You want to touch them, taste them, smell them, you can’t get enough of them. You are high on drugs. (Laughter) Nature’s drugs, not those! Dopamine for wanting more, noradrenaline for focus and attention, testosterone for you know what, and a distinct drop in serotonin so you can perseverate and obsess.

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