Counseling Laguna Hills 714 '01652 Four Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
Hi. Robyn D'Angelo here, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Specialist. Today I'm talking to you about four signs that your marriage could be in trouble. So, research shows that people in longterm, committed, unhappy relationships actually have lower selfesteem. They struggle with things like depression and anxiety. And they even have a higher chance of illness. So this really speaks to the severity of being in an unhappy relationship and how it can negatively impact, so not only, you know, mentally and emotionally, but also physically. So, there are four basic behaviors that are considered relationship.
Killers. And the first one is criticism. So, what this looks like is when you blame or put fault on your partner in a way that you're putting negative remarks out there of them. So that's like, You're just so lazy. Or, You never listen to me. Things like that. What happens when you consistently do this over time is you chip away at that love and that trust in your relationship. So, that's the first sign. The second sign is defensiveness. Defensiveness is basically when you're not taking any responsibility for your behaviors.
Or it's when you verbally attack or get kind of verbally aggressive with your partner in a response to any feedback from them. And what happens is this just melts away the connection between you and your partner. And, the third thing is contempt. So, when you have a contemptuous attitude toward your partner, you are kind of doing what we call like kind of zingers or kind of sticks with really negative comments to them. And that looks like namecalling. It can even look like kind of scoffing at them or mocking them. Because when you are contemptuous,.
You're basically saying, I'm superior to you and you're defective. That's the message that you're sending to your partner. So you can see how this can really negatively impact a relationship. And the fourth sign is something called stonewalling. And so this is when you purposely withdraw from a conversation, whether you're in conflict or it's just uncomfortable, with the intent to stop all communication. And this can look like, say you're on the phone with your partner in a heated conversation and they hang up on you or you hang up on.
Them. Or, it can look like you're having a conversation with your partner and it's one of those Fine, whatever, forget it. That's stonewalling. That's cutting off the communication. It can be really, really negatively impactful on your relationship. So, these four signsthese are actually what Drs. Julie and John Gottman call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And they sound just awful and that's because they are. So, if you're seeing some of these come up in your relationship and you'd like more help on how to eliminate these, give.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Nonverbal Withdrawal
Alright, we have talked about causes that of why relationships deteriorate. Now, we're ready to take a look at the effects of that. What are the signs and symptoms that you will see What will you actually experience What will it feel like, what will it look like Well, the first thing that we're going to take a look at is we're going to talk about withdrawal, verbally and nonverbally. When I talk about nonverbal withdrawal, I'm talking about all of a sudden, you need your own space. Get out of my space, and tempers can tend.
To fly a little bit faster if that other person gets in your space. We're also talking about withdrawing from touch. Don't touch me, don't touch me anymore. A lot less displays of affection, alright. A lot less smiles. A lot less physical interaction. A whole lot less eye contact as well. Whereas before when you were having these conversations, you were intimately looking at each other, now we're looking away. There's distraction. It can also be, maybe perhaps, you have similar styles in your clothing, all of a sudden you don't.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Commitment
We're talking about effects of relationship deterioration. And this one that I want to talk about now is pretty obvious and it's a pretty sure sign that there's a problem in your relationship and that is commitment. Commitment decreases. And when I'm talking about commitment, I'm talking about a lot of different levels. I'm talking about the desire to spend time together, the desire to help each other with projects, with things. The desire to want, to gain knowledge and information and share things with each other. Before, I was very committed to you, I was very into being your friend, I was very into.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Benefits
Alright, we're talking about relationship deterioration and signs that you might see that you're relationship is deteriorating. And I want to talk now about the things that you receive versus the things that you get. You might think of this in terms of profit and loss. There are certain amount of things that you invest in a relationship and there are certain benefits that you get back from your investment. Well, what starts to happen if your relationship is deteriorating is that starts to decrease. All of a sudden, you're not quite willing to give quite so much anymore. And the rewards that you're getting back are.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Increased Uncertainty
Alright. We are talking about effects of relationship deterioration and some of the things that you might see occurring if your relationship is deteriorating. Uncertainty. Uncertainty escalates. And, what I'm talking about with uncertainty is you're not sure. First of all, you're not sure about how the other person's feeling. Or, what are they thinking Or, what are they doing Or, primarily what is happening to this relationship And, usually when the uncertainty creeps in it kind of becomes about it's an awareness. And, it becomes about just feeling things out and seeing what's going on before you really start asking direct questions.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Negative Requests
Alright. We're talking about the effects of relationship deterioration and the things you might see if your relationship is falling apart. A request for the positive behaviors starts to decline. No longer are you asking for those nice little things to be done anymore. Things that were positive and pleasurable, you don't ask for them. Now, you don't necessarily ask for unpleasant behaviors. But, you make more requests for the unpleasant behavior to stop. Whereas, before you might ask for something and it would happen and the negative behavior would occur. But, it wouldn't really bother you. Now, all of a sudden there's a.
When Youre Single AF
Sign creaking lively music phone vibrating lively music Hey what's up Hey. I got you these. Oh, why lively music I wrote you a poem. laughing Oh god, you're serious. lively music You look really beautiful tonight. TThank you. And you, you have a polite face. That was awesome. Hell yeah it was. Up top. I'm really having fun with you. I am. I want you to be my girlfriend. I don't want to, I don't lively music Let's like brush our teeth first.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Annoyances
Alright, the next thing that we want to take a look at that happens if a relationship is deteriorating is your take on behavior, the way that somebody does something. When the relationship was good and everything was great, that was so cute, the way they laugh or the way they smacked their food, or whatever it was, whatever behavior, it was really cute. And now all of a sudden it is so annoying. Now the behavior has not changed, what has changed is how you feel about it. You no longer are attracted to this person or no longer.
Have a positive relationship with this person so all of a sudden your attitude about them has changed. Maybe there's something about them that before was very different, Oh, isn't that unique, they're so different the way they put their cigarettes out , or whatever it is. All of a sudden that behavior becomes very inconsiderate. I thought it was cool before when you didn't open the door for me because that was who you are and that's what you stood for, now it's just kind of inconsiderate and rude. Well that person always did that.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Reinforcement
Alright, we're talking about the effects of relationship deterioration, and the next thing I want to talk about is reinforcement. Reinforcement is telling the other person that they're doing a good job, telling the other person that you like them, giving them positive feedback, that's what reinforcement is. And all of a sudden that starts decreasing, and this can be in any type of relationship. It could be a work relationship where the boss stops telling you you're doing a good job, or the best friend stops liking things that you do, or liking.
Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs of Failing Relationships Decreased Social Niceties
Alright, we're talking about effects of relationship deterioration. The last one that you might see and notice if your relationship is deteriorating if one of my all time favorites. The reason it's my favorite is because it becomes so obvious that the relationship is in trouble when you see this. I'm talking about social niceties. When I say social niceties when we're in public or maybe it doesn't even necessarily have to be in public, but it's social graces. It's basically using your manners. Would you mind getting that for me please or could.
Counseling Laguna Hills 714 '01652 Four Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble
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Recognize Relationship Problems Causes Signs Of Failing Relationships Decreased Commitment
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