Sabrina Benaim Explaining My Depression to My Mother

Explaining my depression to my mother a conversation mom, my depression is a shape shifter. one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear. on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone. i call the bad days the dark days. mom says try lighting candles. when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame sparks of a memory younger than noon i am standing beside her open casket,.

It is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will someday die. besides, mom, i'm not afraid of the dark. perhaps that's part of the problem. mom says i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed. i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head. mom says where did anxiety come from anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. mom, i am the party. only i am a party I don't want to be at.

Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties. see your friends. sure, i make plans. i make plans, but I don't wanna go. i make plans because i know i should want to go. i know sometimes i would have wanted to go. it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't wanna have fun, mom. you see, mom, each night, insomnia sweeps me up in it's arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light. insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.

Mom says try counting sheep. but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake. so I go for walks but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists, they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness i cannot baptize myself in. mom says happy is a decision. my happy is a high fever that will break. my happy is as hollow as a pinpricked egg. mom says i am so good at making something out of nothing.

And then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying. no, i am afraid of living. mom, i am lonely. i think i learnt it when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy. so when i tell you i've been super busy lately, i mean i've been falling asleep watching sportscentre on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed. but my depression always drags me back to my bed, until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,.

Louis C.K.Gay peopleWho gives a sh$

Louis C.K. Chewed up People SNL I never understood people are judging people for the way they have sex as some people get angry homosexuals just for being gay to get mad at them her an early understood that you know like because they're just having sex with each other the governors in a PP which is running down the street is putting people the ass willy nilly just like a pet stores like without asking you know like you're the Atma what the hot she says 10 minutes so glad you just might be right now yes seriously.

Threatening its important role in my new pants in mall shared another one fact am I gonna put home this is ridiculous in but they generally don't do that so I don't know what the fucking promise people get mad then when we get don't get married we don't have to go to a wedding with the put you to the by many it doesn't matter said something really well then ok I will marry his dog could talk about me blows his daughter who gives a shit it doesn't matter doesn't have any impact.

On your life with the fuck do you care or people to try to think it's not like I think it's a social issue like when you see someone stand up on and on talk show inside how am I supposed to explain to my child the two men are getting married I don't know what your shitty Kate you fuckin tell why is that anyone else's problem two guys are in love with a cake america's you want to talk to your ugly child for work in five minutes picking here's what you're surely he's really a faggot anyway.

In scooping that Aaron up your stupid no the only the only arm thing that a Ponzi have those that you're not you're not supposed to laugh a gay people when they're funny because sometimes they just harder for many like I lived in New York for a lot of my life in my neighborhood everybody was gay and and it you know some guys are just a guy walking on the street but some gay guys or a guy in little shorts and a half shirt and you know combat boots breaking its green.

The the whistle when he's standing on the corner going to go out packinghouse lives in history time business plan exists by the thousands and some when I see them I laugh really loud I just do you really don't have to get these did not apply because he's fuckin weird and silly his larry is in by spose threeact allow over the whole lawyers in seriousness you know in stupid him the only you actually the 1i would blow a baseman based on who he is is Ewan McGregor that if there is this one guy out there I gotta say.

That I have no game inclinations except for ice met this fuckin dude in person I was they work on support show in Near East and write their names like popped like I was just blown away the she's Christ is fuckin beautiful in any live music you know and I was like fuck and shivered like Icarus shivering like of the cookin gracious in like a week later I just it was like staring off into space and when I realize but I'll just daydreaming about you McGregor and like seriously I'm not gain any other week summer I wanna fuck that guy right.

Clarence Thomas Rules on Monsanto Cases, Former Monsanto Attorney

Clarence thomas email clarence thomas from such places as the supreme court well you may not know he was once of monsanto attorney and now he is going to be ruling pre presumably in favor of monsanto on the supreme court louis this is yet another example of how the supreme court like every other aspect of american government can be bought can be corrupted and we've been covering for awhile samuel lee does speaking at political events even though it judges are hard to avoid political events political gatherings he giving a speech in a political fund.

Raiser we've been talking about clarence thomas' wife working for groups that would have interests that are presented and heard at the supreme court so this is not new lewis ninety whittle however in his new that now we are seeing this move on to even monsanto company that clarence thomas was once an attorney for we're talking about monsanto verses gears and seed five this is number own nine four seventy five the supreme court is going to hear arguments in this case which could have a huge effect on the future of the american food industry which would which.

Would call you up for a while we talk about monsanto and their practices of suing farmer's who simply and up inadvertently having monsanto seeds below into their farm land and spread out sprout uh. plants sprout crops and then being sued so this is a of huge deal this is one centos third appeal of the case if they would have favorable ruling this could lead to complete further deregulation of monsanto and the food industry and and essentially monsanto cornering the market of numerous us crops and push conventional farming and conventional farmers into oblivion.

You're assuming that the ruling will be in favor uh. monsanto yet me from the year seventy six the seventynine tireless work as an attorney for months and then he should be recusing himself i mean regardless of what will the entire supreme court ruled in favor monson one of nine is bad enough he she should recuse himself he shouldn't be a little hall of fame if you're receiving money from monsanto now in any form announcer you're talking about retirement pension something like that anything but i'm a thomas has does not see this is a conflict of interest and has not.

Recused himself he says this is just not a conflict of interest is it against the law for him uh. not recuse himself well that that's the thing the laws are written in such a way where it you know it's ambiguous impropriety or the appearance of impropriety should be avoided well he can just say this doesn't appear to be in for a impropriety to me mhm plain and simple who's gonna argue with him and who's going to pass any type of legislation that would require judges to recuse themselves in situations like these exactly never.

Gonna happen absolutely so be aware that that's going on followed that i'll go to face book dot com slash david packard show go to david packing dot com in get yourself a tshirt or sweatshirt like the one lewis's wearing david packard show gear made from one hundred percent recycled materials let's take a break plenty more to talk to you about including rush limbaugh syrup halen rushes advertises gaa advertisers gas prices pat robertson so much the overcome those fifteen will be back after this david admin shelves and david jacqueline dot com.

The Real You Alan Watts

If you ready to wake up, you gonna wake up and if you're not ready you're gonna stay pretending that you're just a 'poor little me'. And since you all here and engaged in this sort of inquiry and listening to this sort of lecture, I assume that you're all on the process of waking up. Or else you're teasing yourselves with some kind of flirtation with waking up which you're not serious about. But I assume maybe you are not serious, but sincere that you are ready to wake up.

So then, when you're in the way of waking up, and finding out who you really are, what you do is what the whole universe is doing at the place you call here and now. You are something the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is something that the whole ocean is doing. The real you is not a puppet which life pushes around the real, deep down you is the whole universe. So then, when you die, you're not going to have to put up with everlasting nonexistence,.

Because that's not an experience. Lot of people are afraid that when they die, they're gonna be locked up in a dark room forever, and sort of undergo that. But one of the most interesting things in the world this is a yoga, this is a way of realization try and imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up. Think about that. Children think about that. It's one of the great wonders of life. What will it be like to go to sleep and never wake up.

And if you think long enough about that, something will happen to you. You will find out, among other things, that it will pose the next question to you. What was it like to wake up after having never gone to sleep That was when you were born. You see, you can't have an experience of nothing nature abhors a vacuum. So after you're dead, the only thing that can happen is the same experience, or the same sort of experience when you were born. In other words, we all know very well that after people die, other people are born.

And they're all you, only you can only experience one at a time. Everybody is I, you all know you're you and wheresoever beings exist throughout all galaxies, it doesn't make any difference. You are all of them. And when they come into being, that's you coming into being. You know that very well, only you don't have to remember the past in the same way you don't have to think about how you work your thyroid gland, or whatever else it is in your organism. You don't have to know how to shine the sun. You just do it, like you breath.

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